Happy Holidays?

So, the last few weeks have been.. well a whirlwind to put it lightly. Massive highs… followed by manic, pyschotic, depressive lows. As much as I’d love to pass it off as being typical holiday stress. I know it’s much, more deep seeded than that. Essentially, I have been a ticking time bomb for the last few months. 

Cracking and breaking at the smallest thing, and being virtually unconsolable.

Last weekend was breaking point for me. I realised, that I was getting close to a point that I may not be able to easily come back from. Old habits I spent years recovering from were the first thought on my mind when I was feeling low. 

I’ll admit it, because very few people even see this page, let alone read it. But last Friday, I almost cut myself again. I tore the razor apart and pulled the blades out. 

Even this upset me, because even in my state. I didn’t want to do it. I just didn’t know what else to do (as I said- old habits die hard) SO!! I picked up a permanent marker, and went to town. I wrote down everything I was thinking about myself and every name I had called myself. It wasn’t fun. But, it was better than the alternative. 

I’m ashamed I allowed myself to get to this point. Very, ashamed and annoyed at myself. But, I have realised I need to change my ways. I need to take the time for myself, I need to make time to just be alone with my thoughts. 

I’ve deactivated facebook in an attempt to rid myself of some of the negativity in my life. Obviously it’s not all avoidable but I can control this much I guess ? 

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